Monday, 18 March 2013

The Beast Within

You know some days when you shouldn't get out of bed?   You are in a mood as soon as you fall out and everything seems turn to poop.

Well, this was last Saturday.

I was itching to visit my local op shop - I'd missed it my last two Saturdays because of a public holiday, and a tiler coming to fix my living room floor tiles that decides to do a tango.

Ebay sales had been absolute crap - only $30 made in 5 days.   I was depressed and angry and generally should have been locked in a cupboard somewhere.     

I was also a super-PMS monster, and had been alternately blubbing/getting rabid over the silliest things for a few days already.

My purse only had $10 in it.   I was not happy looking in my empty purse.  I had just enough petrol to get to my Mum & Dad's for lunch that day and back home again.

I was walking past the bric-a-brac shed, ready to spend my puny $10 on kids clothing to re-sell.  As I passed, I saw there was two large trestle tables out the front with about 10 plastic bags of books on them.  My tongue lolled, my eyes glowed like something unearthly.  Books!    (Completely ignoring my promise to myself, to buy less books).

I started rifling through the bags - there was lots of good titles there - but I only had $10, and I still wanted to buy a bag of clothes.    Then a man working there approached me.  I go to this op shop nearly every week and I'd never seen this man before.

I knew from his first words that he was one of those over-hearty annoying old-man types.    

He followed me around the table babbling at me about "how GREAT these books were, and how EXPENSIVE these books had been to buy.   How these were SO WONDERFUL and in SUCH GOOD CONDITION. "   

*My fangs began to emerge from my gums*

 I heard another lady look in a bag and say "ooh there's lots of good books in here!"

He bellowed at me "Get over here and look in this bag.  There's lots of GOOD BOOKS in here!"    

*My hands began to pop out into long claws.   My breathing changed into something non-human.*

The bag was full of historical romance.   "You read a lot of historical romance, do you?" I heard the animal within me say.       ( Down, girl. )

"Ermmmm, oh no.   My eyesight you know.  Prefer to watch car racing on the telly."

I actually Harrumphed.  I never thought I could do that.   But STILL he didn't give up.

"Wonderful BOOKS.  You'll never see any in this FANTASTIC CONDITION again!"

*A growl emerged from me, and my feet started to split in my shoes as they elongated into hairy paws.*    I wisely ignored the sudden urge to see if my fist would fit in his mouth.

I finally threw about 10 books into a bag, and asked "How much?" around my fangs (i.e. ha mush).

"$5.  How's that.  That's a good price isn't it.  That's FAIR."

I knew the books were sold for 50 cents each so I agreed, and handed him my precious $10 note.  

He took it and went to get the change, then he stopped and turned back to me.   "Do you want the change?"   

"Ermmmm, yesh, " says me, ever-so-nicely (and very carefully, my teeth were VERY sharp by then).

"It's just that they're SUCH NICE books.  And $10 is still a GRAND PRICE for all the ones you've chosen!"

I didn't think they were worth a life-sentence for murder.

I gave him my stink-eye, with a hint of extra feral.   IT DIDN'T WORK!!  The gormless twit stood there like a half-wit, resembling nothing more to me than a man-sized punching-bag.   

*My bones began to pop and started to shape the rest of me into something not-quite-right.  I think the tips of my ears grew hairy and pointy*

I opened my purse and showed him the empty interior.   "That is all the money I have left.  I need that $5," I managed to say.

He finally got the hint and brought me my change.

Being the spineless wonder that I am, I was overly-effuse in my thanks, even though he was in the wrong for suddenly doubling the price that we had agreed on.

I walked to my car, and put the bag of books in the boot.  By then I had changed back to pathetic fully-human again.  I pretended to re-organise the things in my boot whilst I shed a few boo-hoo tears at being forced to show my empty purse to a stranger.  Is this what my life had come to?

Only two weeks until I can drink wine again.  Hurrah!

Men ...  I can do without them .....

Ooh, Professor Lupin.   Lovely.



  1. You handled that well, my hormones being what they are lately...I probably would have beat him with the bag of books. lol

  2. I love your writing style. You are very funny and I enjoy your posts tremendously! :)

    Margaret @ Live Like No One Else